This past year I had days that wouldn’t end soon enough, days I wanted to last forever, days I wish I could forget, days I wished I could do over, and days I wont ever be able to adequately explain to anyone. So many days. So many memories. So many moments. At the beginning of this journey I wrote myself a letter to remind myself why I came to Heartlight. I knew I would need the reminder on a daily basis. I think I wrote this after a week at Heartlight and yet had seen and experienced enough to know I had no idea what I was getting myself into. But it was too late. I had committed. I was already invested. I reread this letter this past week and was kinda surprised how accurate the letter described what I would go through and what struggles I would have (I guess I know myself pretty well after all).
This is my third or fourth time writing myself a letter before I enter into a new season and each time it’s been a huge encouragement and reminder to me through the hard times to hold on cause it’s worth it. It’s always been worth it. I’ve come out changed, stronger, refined, bolder, more determined. My faith overall has been grown, stretched and deepened. But the area I’ve most grown in is love. I thought I loved people well before Heartlight but boy howdy was I wrong. It’s easy to love people who love you back. It’s a whole new ballgame to love and continue to choose to love someone who time after time yells at you, runs away from you, tells you they don’t trust you, disobeys you, disrespects you…. You get the picture? It’s not an easy task to wake up each morning and tell the girl, who yelled at you the night before, ‘I love you’ and give them a hug. New morning mercies EVERY morning. Even when it hurt, especially when it hurt. I had a lot of nights where it hurt and I wanted to hold on to the anger and hatred and hold it over their head the next day. I would have to wrestle and battle and then come back to the one thing I knew would never change. God’s unconditional love for me. God my Father always loves me, always gives me new mercies, and always forgives. As His child I was called to do the same so my girls could see Christ in me. Above all else, love.
So I swallow my pride.
Forgive them in my heart.
Get some sleep. (This is critical)
And in the morning, love them like nothing had happened the night before.
That is what I call a miracle. A miracle was happening every day and it took the Christmas season and a week away from my girls to see it.
32 girls passed through my house. 32 lives I got to be a part of. Lives I got to invest in, and hopefully make a little bit better and brighter. But whether or not I was able to make much of a change in their lives, I know I’m stepping out of this season forever changed. I’m so grateful for the relationships I’ve built and all the new experiences I’ve had. Thank you to all the girls and staff for the many laughs, tears, encouragement and sweet moments. I hope you each know how much I love you and how much you have changed my life.
Below is the letter I wrote to myself after my first week at Heartlight.
You came after ending one of the best seasons in your life in March. You came after spending 5 months processing the past eight months. You came after spending 5 months at an office job thinking “what’s next? This doesn’t feel right”. You came after trying to find opportunities to get back out on the mission field. You came after surrounding your desires, dreams and passions to go where the Lord led. You came when He led you to Heartlight. It came unexpectedly, unplanned, in the strangest of ways. As with most things, you took the next step to see if this was where God was directing you. God prepared you with the desire to work with the Demand Project but after that fell through, you were ready and willing to look into Heartlight and see where things went from there. Through the application and interview process there was still a reserve for committing to Heartlight because of the desire to return to the mission field. Holding on to a hope, not willing to fully surrender what you thought was best. The Lord was gracious to let you hold on to that rope and still fully convince you this is the path he had planned. The timing was perfect, the location was decent, peace from parents, building excitement of what the next year would hold. You committed to a year and no matter what challenges and hardships arise cling to the unwavering Truth you know: God called you here. Remind yourself of your commitment to love these girls and serve your staff every day whether they deserve it or not. Of your commitment to show them the love of Christ every day through your words and actions. Of your commitment to be there for them and put them before yourself. Your commitment to pray for them everyday. You’ve entered this foreign land, openly exposing yourself to things you’ve been diligent to protect yourself from for so many years. But the time is right. You are ready to dive into a counter culture and show them the power and transformative love of Christ. Don’t be too hard on yourself as you learn the ropes and what is going on around you. Give yourself grace and time to adapt, take note and see areas where the Lord can use your specific gifts and abilities. Be encouraged by the quick relationships you made in your first week and the way you felt when you were able to connect with one of your girls on a personal level. Remember all the laughs, memories, conversations, and good emotions. Don’t easily let go of all the potential you saw this year holding for yourself and for those whose lives you’ll be a part of. Never become passive but actively fight every day for change, for relationships, for growth, for Light to shine in the darkness. Be discerning of the hard days/moments that may quickly try to pour lies into your mind and fill you with doubt. Take them captive and throw them out. Remember who God says you are and not who anyone else (your girls) say you are. Remember your help comes from the Lord and He will give you the words to say at the right moment. Remember the devil came to kill, steal and destroy but Christ has overcome. Remember the Lord will give you the strength you need to thrive each day. Remember you are not alone. Remember Who this really is all for.
Merry Christmas and I hope this year you are able to reflect back on the miracles that took place in your own life and in the lives of loved ones around you!
