It all started on the plane ride to Honduras. I had a thought hit me: this may be my last time doing an international mission trip. I was actually very accepting of the idea. My response to my initial response shocked me the most. It shocked me because it didn’t shock me as much as I thought it would. Fast forward a few days to when I got to our first ministry host in Honduras. I felt so off and my World Race norms I thought I would pick back up I never did. It was strange, then it got worse. I felt like the Lord stripped me of so many of my dreams, passions, and desires. I can’t really explain it other than I felt like all the things I thought I wanted in life and wanted to pursue weren’t what I wanted anymore. I found myself standing before the Lord with completely empty hands and I didn’t even know what to ask for instead. Which sounds good and even a “spiritually healthy” state to be in but it started a wrestle within me of how to talk to God concerning my future specifically. Do I ask Him to let me stay in the States? call me to full time international missions? prepare me for marriage? I was speechless in the presence of my Father. My heart held no desires in which to commune with Him about. You see my dilemma? I truly felt striped naked with nothing to cover myself. Things I had longed for now felt indifferent to me. Now that’s intense content! So ‘what have you been doing with that?’ you ask. Great question! My simplified answer is waiting and listening. Waiting and listening are two very challenging practices for me. Listening may sound easy but it has been a constant battle of casting out distracting thoughts to be able to hear from the Holy Spirit. A battle I feel I loose more days than not. But I remind myself of the beautiful truth: the victory is the Lord’s and He has already won my war.
The Lord and I’s relationship through this season has been steady unlike the full speed ahead pace I would like to be going right now. He’s constantly violating my expectations in His humble, gentle presence behind-the-curtain type of way. At times I’m persuaded to just be content with that. However, every time I read the New Testament I get so juiced with the promises He makes of the powerful, bold ways He wants to work through my life to build His kingdom. So I will not settle. I want more. I know He can do more. I know He wants to give me more. I’ll keep pursuing. Keep showing up at His door knocking, asking and waiting. I don’t try and understand God’s ways any more. I’ll never be able to keep track of all the ways He’s moving and preparing me for what’s coming next. I’ll never comprehend or know the multitude of ways He is showing me His never ending, unconditional love. Amidst all the unknowns in this season, one thing I do always know is the simple truth of God who does all things for my good and for His glory.
Fundraising update! Looking for some additional financial partners to raise $2,000 by the end of May. Whether a long time supporter or first timer, would love to have you join me on this journey of being a part of what God is doing through international missions. You can give online here on my blog (tax deductible) or you can give a gift through my Venmo (Khurry-Bullard).
This is my key necklace with the prophetic word ‘listen’ engraved on it which has been an area of intentional growth for me on this Race.
Hey Khurry! This is written so beautifully, I can follow along with you through the struggle of your soul. You are not alone. I believe we all feel these things sometimes, the changing of dreams and desires in our hearts. I believe that you are taking the excellent path by continuing to knock and continuing to listen. Believe it or not, I think that He wants us to know the plans He has for our lives even more than we do. If you can wait on knowing all the details, just press into your relationship with Him, He wants you to dream with Him. Now that’s powerful! Love you Khurry! Praying for you always!