My Broken Heart: Healed to be Broken Again

One of the tricky things in life is how sometimes you don’t know how badly you need something until you get it. For me I didn’t know how badly I needed to… to… well, to wrap it up in a few words, heal my broken heart. I knew I took a beating in Texas one too many times. But I didn’t know how badly I needed certain experiences, people and time to help with the healing process. Like I mentioned in my earlier blog, the Lord has given me rest in this season on the World Race. But the rest has looked more than just slow mornings sitting in a hammock watching a beautiful sunset. This Race has been full of random last minute sweet encounters. 

On one of these such encounters I found myself at the home of American missionaries on one end of the island of Ometepe in Nicaragua. The second floor balcony had a beautiful view of the sunset, volcano, and the lake. Breathtaking to say the least. The sunset was stunning but it was what came after that really got me. The STARS. The same stars from my backyard in Oklahoma. The same stars that I was looking up at in Texas while I was trying to de-escalate one of my girls. They just hit different that night. The whole sky, from one side to the other. STARS. In that moment, the LORD began to bring to mind all the specific things He has given to me in this season. Affirmations from the squad, sweet relationships with locals, doing a lot of things I enjoy, trying a lot of new foods, seeing some exquisite sights, climbing a volcano, kayaking between two volcanos, living on an island, teaching English classes, experiencing sweet moments of solitude, living in a jungle, and so many other things. So many sweet moments that bring a smile to my face just thinking about them. 

Day by day the LORD is sweetly providing little treats for me to enjoy. He always has something up His sleeve he wants to lavish on me. I didn’t expect it. I don’t deserve it. But that’s what love does. God delights to give His children good things. Now I’m very quick to recognize that sometimes the good things he gives don’t always come in the form of sunshine and butterflies. I will also be just as quick to thank him and praise Him in the seasons where he is lavishing his good gifts onto me and fully enjoy the kisses he leaves for me on my pillow in the morning and paints on the eve of a night sky for me. 

I wrote the first part of this blog about two weeks ago. Fast forward to today. In the States a week can pass and not much can change. On the Race, an hour passes and everything can change. These past two weeks have taken me on a wild ride. From some of my highest moments on the Race to for sure some of the lowest. My heart has broken, laughed, been humbled, smiled, rejoiced, been silenced. It’s done about everything but cried. I’m not a big crier usually but in seasons like these when my heart is being pulled in all directions sometimes my heart just shrivels up as a way of protecting itself. My heart is maybe too good at putting it’s guard up. It needs to have itself a good cry any day now. Well that’s enough spilling out of my soul for now. Back to the point I want to make. When I wrote this two weeks ago little did I know that God would be taking me into the season that is not filled with the butterflies and sunshine. The race has a beautiful way of keeping you not just on your toes but even more so on your knees. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to possibly do when I get back home in mid June. I had some exciting ideas I was hoping to look into, but recently I don’t think any of those things are what the Lord has for me next. I feel him calling me to something harder. To lay down what I thought my life long-term would look like. Laying down my rights in order to pick up my cross. Man, it’s rough. But what a sweet exchange it is when you give everything to God, and He gives you back more and better than you ever thought possible. My spirit is clinging to the truth of God’s promises that my flesh is trying to deny. So how am I doing overall? I’m struggling. I’m out here. I’m on my knees. Wrestling with the LORD over things He is asking me to potentially give up. It’s been a slow release. But the more I release, the greater the peace and the more excited I get about the “better” He has for me. My heart is in a constant state of brokenness it seems. Saying our good-byes in Costa Rica yesterday was the worst. But our God thrives in working in mysterious ways. I have a feeling my ‘goodbye’ in Costa Rica was more like a… ‘see ya later’. To be continued….

A sunset, a volcano, a lake and a beautiful group of women