Never Forget to Always Remember

Yesterday would have been the day I returned from 11 months on the field. A sad day of saying goodbye to my squad mates and leaders, but happy in getting to see family and friends again as they await my arrival at the airport. Ready to share of my experiences in twelve countries in eleven months and looking forward to what the Lord was calling me to next. Instead, yesterday I went to my niece and nephews soccer game, cleaned my room, worked out in the yard and flower beds, and spent the evening with my family and grandpa, eating pizza and watching a movie. 

I think these past three months being back home may have been harder than they would have been on the field. When I was so abruptly stripped from my X-squad community and my plans and goals, and what I thought my life would look like for the next three months, I was in a state of shock. It took time for me to realize all that I was loosing and would never get back again. It took time for me to appreciate all that I had and what I had taken for granted too often. It took time to adjust to a new way of living back in the country I grew up in but barely recognized. It took time to let go of my anger, my frustrations, and my way of wanting to do things, and to give it all to Jesus. While I mourn what was lost by not completing the Race, what I have gained has been just as beautiful. God has blessed me with days of sweet memories, lots of laughter, healing tears, grace filled conversations, and a peace knowing I’m right where He wants me to be… even though it may not be where I want to be. People keep asking if I have adjusted to being back home and for a while my answer was a shrug of the shoulders and a half hearted “I don’t know.” My answer now is “I’m as adjusted as I will ever be.” I will never be like before I left for the Race because when someone changes, just because you put them back in their old environment doesn’t mean they and everything around them goes back to the way they were. Their environment will now change as a result of the changes made in them. The changes in my environment since being home haven’t been drastic by any means. That’s not my personality or how I do things, typically. But little by little, with intentionality and purpose I’ve made changes I hope reflect the wonderful changes God made in me. 

I almost didn’t want to write this blog and remind myself and you all as my friends, family and supporters of what yesterday was suppose to be. But I didn’t want to forget to remind myself of God’s goodness and providence. We all have special days we celebrate as Americans like 4th of July, Memorial Day, Easter, Christmas, New Years, etc. Then there are days you may only celebrate as a family like birthdays and graduations. Then there are other days you remember the passing of a loved one or a difficult time in your life, or the end of a sweet season or a good relationship in your life. While those may be days you want to try and forget, don’t! Don’t be like the Israelites who kept forgetting all God had provided for them and promised to them. They kept forgetting to remember they had been promised “a land flowing with milk and honey.” I know it’s hard to forget a lot of things when you’re physically or spiritually thirsty, hungry and tired, like the Israelites where in the desert. In those times, remind yourself of who God says you are to Him, your loving Father. He will provide. Period. Look for the cloud by day and the fire by night and follow it! It may lead you where you never thought you would be, but if it’s where God is, it’s where you want to be. This is something I’ve been recently re-learning as I’ve had to surrender my passion and desire for international missions. I’ve had to open my hands and let go of my hold of what I thought was my future and allow God to place in my hands what He has for my future. And I’m finding out it’s not looking anything like I thought or wanted it to be. And before I go on, I have to say I haven’t stopped praying for God to send me back on the field and even during this season, I will continue to pray that. But I’ve had to tell myself that if the cloud and fire weren’t going before me and leading me to the international field, I shouldn’t desire to go there. My desire for missions should not be greater than my obedience to my Father. While desire is good, I recognize I can too easily let those emotions and passions drive me in a direction the Father is not leading. Obedience requires humility, patience, surrender, and listening. All things I started out the Race learning and living out, and am continuing to learn and live out. 

I’m thankful for how patient and gracious God has been with me. I’m thankful He has reminded me to never forget to always remember what He has done for me and what he has planned for me. 

Check out the “mini-movie” I made from a compilation of pictures and videos from the Race. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss3k9oGpNxk&feature=youtu.be